Dear twenties, it’s nearly over. June 24, 2009

In case you haven’t figured it out (and if you haven’t, what the heck is wrong with you! Heh.), I’m 29. The last of my twenties.  I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I’m glad to see this decade go. It’s been tough and stupid, and I’m ready for new things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about turning 29. For the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve always been depressed around my birthday.  I would take stock of my life, and compare my life with others, and I never felt like I measured up. I didn’t have the degree, the husband or the babies, or the good friends.  For some reason, I thought that there was wrong with ME. That because I didn’t have any of these things, that I wasn’t okay.

A few days ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to think that way this year.   I’ve come a long way from 28. I have a really good job, a car that works, I’m in school, I’m sorting out my craziness, and I have amazing friends.  I don’t have a husband, and I don’t have babies, but I will.  I really think that I’m where I’m supposed to be. People say that my thirties are going to be amazing, and I agree.  I’m okay.

On this reflection on the day of my birth, I’d like to make some goals.  Nothing really fancy, but some things that I’d like to do this year:

1. I need to be more proactive about my writing.  Since I’m majoring in journalism, it’s time I started really writing. I don’t think I could write every day, but I’m going to make a commitment to write a blog at least once a week. And not just talking about my life, because if you read my twitter or facebook, you pretty much know what’s going on.  I’m going to post snippets of stories I think of, or what’s going on in the world, etc.

1. 2. I want to have more local friends I love all my peeps that are out of state. I really do. But I don’t have any local friends here, and it’s sort of hard to make them at my age.  I’m not 10 anymore; I can’t go up to people and ask them if they want to play.  So if you’re in the OKC area, let’s hang out sometime. Seriously.

I think those are two really good goals. I’m not going to try to stretch myself with any more than two; because the more stuff I have to do, the less likely I am to do them.

This is going to be a good year for me. I know it. I want to give a shout out to a few people for loving me and putting up with all my crazy. And there’s some people that I really think are cool

M(he knows who he is. And god, how I love him.)

Brian(in Tulsa)

Brian(in Tennessee)

Brandon(in Missouri)

Brandon(in North Carolina)

Joey

Donaven(I know your real name, but always think of you as donaven)

Karen(why weren’t we better friends in high school? And you’ve really had my back this year)

Carrie(I don’t know why I didn’t get to know you when I was going to brookwood? You rock!)

David and Tiffany

Paul  and Inita

PJ

Avery

Jeff(get out Kentucky!)

Brian(in Idaho. This guy just rocks it.)

Wyler

Mattie

Ryan Seacrest(I’m obsessed)

My therapist (who seriously, needs an award for listening to my mess and not committing me)

Everyone on GCN

Twitter

Dena

Mathew(her fab, FAB hubby)

If I didn’t  mention you, don’t be sad. There so many who have prayed for me, sent me encouraging notes, and took the time to listen. I’m grateful

Like my great-grandpa, Elmo used to say, “Onward and Upward.”

The Finer Things* April 6, 2009

It’s been a looong time since I’ve written, so hiii!

I don’t have a real excuse for not writing. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say, because when do *not* have anything to say? Everytime I sit down to write something, I get bored with it, and quit.  Like right now, I really want to say “fuck it” and go back to mindlessly surfing the internets. But, I’m going to soldier through.

I’m doing okay. I’ve been going to counseling pretty steadily since january. I’m working on a program from The Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, and it’s helping alot. I’m sure alot of you knew it, but I never really knew that alot(well, all) of my freakouts were due to anxiety.  It’s sort of freeing to finally understand what’s wrong with you.  I’m still amazed that I’ve wasted SO much of my  life freaking out about silly things.  There’s still alot to sort out, but I’ve gained some new coping skills, and more positive ways to talk to myself, so all of those I’m feeling sorry about myself,and I want you to know about it so that I can get some attention facebook status updates should be few and far between.  I know I’ve been a Debbie Downer, and I’m sorry. I’ve also started taking an anti anxiety medication on Thursday, which is a choice that I thought long and hard about. I’m not a fan of medication, because I’m always afraid of unseen things, like accidental overdoses or that I would have some crazy allergic reaction and die in my sleep, which is bad, because I’m terrified of death.  Also, I really thought I could sort this out on my own.  While the program I’m working on is helping, my mind still races almost constantly, and I still have some nasty anxiety attacks.  I’m also still not able to focus on things, like writing this blog and proactively trying to sort my life out. So, my new doctor put me on a small dose, that takes a few weeks to take effect. I’m still very nervous about the side effects, and that I’ll be dependent on the medicine. So, we”ll see.

Speaking of new doctors, I went to a new doctor this week. I like her. She doesn’t talk to me like I’m stupid, although she is very honest. Obviously, my weight is a concern. I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh, but when I saw the number, I was in shock. I never thought I’d get up to what I am. I know alot of you would tell me that I’m beautiful and whatnot, and I appreciate that.  But this is getting ridiculous.  I’m wayy too smart to do this to myself.  My doctor encouraged me to start walking for at least 10 minutes a day, which I’m doing, but my body is not happy with it. She also set me up to see her colleague that specializes in weight management, which will be a little pricey, so I don’t know how it’s going to work. I’m going to see if my insurance will pay for it. At this point, weight loss surgery is an option. I’m willing to consider it,  but not until I seriously try to lose weight. I’ve never really tried  before and just going for the surgery is a cop-out, I think. If you have any tips to help me lose weight, or want to encourage me, or, if you live in the OKC area, you want to walk with me, let me know. Losing all this weight is going to be ALOT of work, and I still don’t want to, but I don’t want to be, in the words of my doctor, “thirty and in a wheelchair”.

So, I’m okay.  I’ve been talking about changing my life for awhile now, and haven’t really done that much.  I’m realizing now that it’s going to take baby steps, not the big steps that I want to do.  It’s tough to remember sometimes, but I AM trying.

I can’t believe I wrote for this long.

* The title really doesn’t have anything to do with anything. It’s the name of a Steve Winwood(bonus points if you know who this is) song that I keep  listening to over and over.

A change is gonna come November 2, 2008

I am suspending blogs about changing my blog to talk about something a wee bit more important.

I wasn’t going to write a blog about politics this election season. If you know me or have read my facebook or twitter statuses, you pretty much know where I stand. Lately I’ve been reading some blog/notes from people that are on the conservative side, and their views have concerned me so much that I felt it important to speak out. I know there may be some (or a lot) who read this who might not agree with what I’m saying, and that’s fine. I would ask that if you are going to respond, please be cool about it. Sarcastic and mean responses will be deleted, or a harsh response from me. So, here we go.

If we’re choosing viewpoints, then I guess you could say that I’m a liberal. I’ve been that way my whole life really. My mother is a pseudo-hippie, so named because she was too young for the real hippie movement, but still had the attitude, that whole free love, anything goes, war! what is it good for? Attitude. She passed it on to me.

I’m also a Christian. I’m not the same Christian I was 10 years ago, but I believe that God sent his son to die for our sins. I God is a god of love, and that he loves everyone, no matter who or what they are. Period.

I’m also voting for Barack Obama for President of the United States of America.

Barack was not my first choice, or even my second. I’d been a fan of John Edwards since the 2004 race, and I felt that he really cared about people, and his viewpoints aligned with mine. When it became clear early on that he was not a viable candidate, I thought that I should vote for Hillary Clinton. I’d also been a fan of hers, and hello?-she was the first woman to have a real shot at the White House. But, she had a bit of arrogance that bothered me. And then there’s the small issue of her husband. God bless William Jefferson Clinton, but he’s a liability. If she became the nominee, the GOP would have a field day with all that baggage.

Many of my friends had been mentioning Barack to me for along time, but I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know a lot about him, other than his 2004 Democratic National Convention speech, which I liked. Then there was the issue of race. Yes, I’m going to say it. I have some personal issues with African-American men, which I admit I still struggle with. I looked at the superficial, and I had an immediate dis-trust of him. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that wasn’t a real reason to dismiss someone, so I looked further. I read his book “The Audacity of Hope,” and to be honest, it changed my perspective a lot. Barack is a very smart guy, and that book really displayed his love for this country, and that we can do better, we can be better. He kept that message going in his speeches, and I changed my mind.

I know there are many people that think this country is going down the wrong path, and I agree. George W. Bush has taken this country into hell, for his own personal benefit, and it’s time to bring it back. I really feel Barack is the best person to do this. I know that some of his speeches sound like he wants to create a utopia, but what can’t be worse than what we’ve had.

I used to like John McCain. I really did. In the 2004 election, he was a maverick of sorts. But, time has changed him, and he’s gone from someone who cares about the country, into someone that wants to win for winning’s sake. If he really cared, he would shut up about how horrible Obama is, and tell us how he wants to change this country. Instead, he got arrogant, and picked the WORST POSSIBLE CANDIDATE EVER for Vice President, Governor Sarah Palin.

Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Palin is pretty. And she’s done a lot in her state. And that’s great. But being governor of a state that has less people than 17 cities in the lower 48 doesn’t give you the experience you need to be a “heartbeat away” from being President. It just doesn’t. As her interviews can show, she has no idea about a lot of things, and I would not feel comfortable having her that close. I’m also against a lot of the things she stands for, most importantly abortion.

Let’s talk about that for a second. I have a weird opinion about abortion. Personally, I do believe that life starts at conception, and I were to get knocked up(and we all know that I have no business having a kid at this point), that unless my life was at risk, there would be no way I’d have abortion. That is my choice. However, I do feel that I have no right at all telling another woman what she may or may not do with her body. I know that may seem contradictory, but its how I feel. I don’t know what a woman has gone through, and it isn’t fair to for me to force someone to go through the craziness of pregnancy because I feel it’s wrong. I know that a woman doesn’t have to keep a baby once it’s born, but honestly, being pregnant is a rough experience, and some women aren’t in a situation that they can go through that. I know that a lot of people feel that abortion is murder, and I’m not sure I would go to that extreme. It is sad when a woman chooses not to have a child, but it’s her choice. That woman is going to have to live with that decision for the rest of her life, and there’s not much we can do to beat that woman up, that she hasn’t already done to herself. To force someone to have a child can do more damage to a child than if it’s not born at all. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and above all, I will always support a woman’s right to choose.

Back to Sarah. It’s great that she’s a woman and she’s done a lot in her own state. But that in no way prepares her for the national stage. It’s as simple as that.

I’ve read a lot of blogs from some of my conservative friends, I find them supporting John McCain, and that frightens me. They’ve believed all the hate that’s coming from that campaign. It’s sad, and I don’t understand it. We’ve been through eight years of bullshit, and McCain has not said enough to make me believe that the next four are going to be any different.

There are a lot of points that I could cover at this point, but to my conservative friends, I only have one question: What are you so afraid of? This country is poor, we’re in a war that we SHOULD NOT be in, and most of the world thinks that we’re dumbasses. What would be so wrong with something different? A real opportunity to turn this country around, to what our founders wanted it to be. As hokey as it sounds, I believe in the American Dream. That if we work hard, help our neighbor, and have just a little faith, that we can have all that we want. It’s what I want, and if you’d take just a moment to listen to Barack, you can see that’s what he wants.

Change is coming. Positive, uplifting change. Are you ready?

A different blog October 12, 2008

I’ve been reading alot of blogs lately, and I realize that I know absoultely nothing about blogging. I’ve been doing online journaling for years(anyone remember diaryland?), and I realize that my blog is nothing more than just a place for me to complain about the sad state of my life, and I really didn’t intend for it to be. I’m not sure what I want it to be, but it has to be more than what it’s been lately. Yes, my life does blow, but that’s not all that’s in my head. I just need to figure out how to get what’s in my head out into this blog. But, I need some advice. I’d like to know about how to post videos and pictures, and ways to just make this place…pop.

Any ideas you’ve got would be appreciated!

I am Yvonne’s granddaughter. September 26, 2008

Nine years ago today,my grandma died. She had been sick for a really long time, and she simply got tired, and she left this world. I used to be not okay with that, but I realized that she did what she had to.

But this thread is not about that. A few years after she died, I focused on her death, and it was painful. Then, as those who’ve lost someone already know, I chose to focus on her life, that she LIVED. She had an amazing life.

She grew up in a small town,surrounded by family, friends, and the animals that she always loved. She fell in love, got married, had four very interesting children(including my mother),went through patches, got divorced, fell in with a bad crowd, went to jail, got out, changed her life, fell in love again, moved to California,and a load of other things that I could tell you.

She was smart, she loved sports(so much so that she made me play football), she was funny, she was bold, and lived every day to the fullest.

There are alot of bad things about her as well, but I choose not to dwell on those things. I choose to dwell on things like how she taught me to skate after my mother couldn’t. How she let a spider live in her kitchen, and would have a fit if anyone tried to kill it. How she got kicked out of my football game for yelling and trying to fight a referee(see where I get my thirst for fighting? ). How she always said that she loved me “a big heap whole lot”. How she always encouraged me to live boldly, even as I grew up and went through the things I went through.

Don’t get me wrong; I miss her. I miss that she doesn’t know who I’ve grown up to be. I miss that she will never know the man I will marry, or get to hold any of my babies.

But today, I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to think about how this amazing woman came to be my grandmother, and I am a better person for having her in my world, even for the little time I did.

I like to think that she’s in heaven, watching me, rolling her eyes at my mother, and bossing people around.

So, I’m thankful that I got to be her granddaughter, that I got to love her, and that we brought joy into each other’s lives.

Why this post isn’t about jealousy. July 6, 2008

I know that I mentioned on facebook* that my next blog was going to be about jealousy. I was in the process of writing said post when something happened this weekend to overshadow all that I had written in my head.

My mother is GETTING MARRIED.

Holy hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I’m in that much shock to leave that much space.  It totally came out of left field.  The best part? She told me in a text message. A FUCKING text message.  I’m not really mad about the text message per se, because most of our communicating these days has been through texting(it’s just better that we don’t see alot of each other).  But seriously, how the hell do you tell your daughter that you’re getting married in a text message? It’s just like something that someone in their early twenties would do. And…she’s not in her early twenties.

It’s also a shock because I had no idea that she was even seeing anyone. Supposedly he’s an old boyfriend from high school, and he lives in Shreveport, Louisiana. When I asked if she’s moving there, she said, “Maybe”. Another shock in itself.

As you can read, I’m pretty freaked out. I’m not really sure why, because I really shouldn’t be. My mother aren’t really close, and I’m always saying how much that I can’t stand her, she gets on my nerves, etc. So the news that she’s getting married and possibly moving should have me on the floor, thanking God that she’ll be out of my hair. And a part of me would love her to get the hell away. And another part is sad.

My roommate, in all her knowing-ness, said that I’m mad for the following reasons:

1. My mom will have managed to get married 3 times, and I’m jealous in a twisted sort of way-She’s right about this one. I hate myself for thinking it, but I’m like, “Damn, she’s had three, and I can’t manage to get one?  This is sad”.

 

2. I’m mad because I didn’t know anything about it-Also very true. I hate being the last to know, and that happens in my family. When I mentioned this to my mom, she’s like, “Well, you don’t tell anything about you to me either”. Touche.

Now this third reason, I’m not so sure about..

3. I’m mad because I actually care about my mom more than I would like anyone to know-Hmmph. My first reaction when she said it was, “You’re fucking crazy”. I HATE my mother, right? She’s been getting on my nerves since practically birth, starting with the god-awful choice of my name (my first name isn’t Nikki, and no, I’m not telling you), all the way up to text messaging me at 3am, telling me not to eat tomatoes(because of the whole salmonella thing).  She’s pushy, rude, tacky, and a down right bitch sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to shake her and scream, “Shut up! You’re making me crazy!”.  But you know what? Depsite all that, I love the crazy old woman.  If I look deep down(and we’re talking way deep down here), I do care somewhat about what happens to her.

So, my roommate’s probably right.

God.

Please don’t tell my mother. I’ll totally deny it.

 

*If we’re not friends on facebook, we totally should be. I LUV facebook. My last name is Taylor. Look me up. And to all you stalkers, you won’t find anything on google about me, so don’t try.*

A 3am thought May 18, 2008

Something I said in responding to a thread on GCN:

“Life is short, and there’s too much joy in the world, and you’ll miss it if you’re afraid of the pain  that comes every once in awhile.”

So very,very true. 

And, I need take my own advice.

I’ve missed out on the joy for far too long.

Thanks for the support, bitch May 15, 2008

A conversation between my roommate and I:

Me: Oh look, the GCN conference is going to be in Anaheim, California this year. That’s close to where I grew up, I can go see my grandpa.

Tia, my roommate: How far is your grandpa from there?

Me: About 45 minutes.

Tia: You won’t go.

Me: Why not?

Tia: Because you never do.

Me: That’s not true. I really want to see my grandpa. I haven’t been out in Cali since I was 13.

Tia: Let me ask you a question: When you went to DC in January, didn’t you plan on doing alot of stuff.

Me: Yeah, but I’ve been to DC before, and I’ve seen alot of stuff.

Tia: Your past history has shown that you don’t do the things that you say you’re going to do, so it’s a pretty good chance that you won’t this time.

Me: You don’t know that.

Tia: Um, yeah, I do.

Me: Thanks for being so positive.

Tia: I wasn’t being negative.

Me: Um, yeah, you were. Just because my past is dumb, doesn’t mean that I’m going to do the same dumb things in the future.

Tia:  Yeah, maybe, but you don’t really change.

Me: Thanks for the support.

Tia: You’re welcome.

 

Hmmmph.

Thoughts, anyone?

Book Meme! Finally! May 5, 2008

So awhile ago, fringes over at www.650miles.com(I can’t figure out how to link it, so if anyone can give me advice on how to do that, let a girl know.) tagged me for a MeMe, and I actually typed up a really good one, but I erased it somehow. I was really pissed about it,and have been procrastinating about doing it ever since. Since I promised to do it, here it is:

 

* List three books you’ve always meant to read, but haven’t got around to them

War and Peace-Leo Tolstoy: I know, it’s rather pretentious, isn’t it? I started this book in the 7th grade, and I read like 2 pages. I want to finish it.

The Historian-Elizabeth Kostova: It’s totally sitting in my closet. Everyone I’ve talked to says that it’s really good.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings-Maya Angelou: Another book I tried to start along time ago, and never finished. If anyone has a copy, let me know.

 

* Share the two books that changed your life

Same Sweet Girls-Cassandra King: A chick lit book, and it didn’t really change my life, but it did provide me with this quote that sums up my whole out look on life: “Honey, it will either work out, or it won’t.”

Pride and Predjudice-Jane Austen: My FAVORITE author, and my favorite book. If you’re a romantic or even a cynic, you will love this book. And, I think Elizabeth Bennet is the character that resembles Jane Austen the most. Awesome book.

* Recommend the one book you’ve been talking about since the very first day you read it

I read Gone with the Wind for the first time in the 7th grade. I’ve read it probably a hundred times since then. The story never gets old.  Scarlett O’Hara is one the greatest characters in American Literature. I’m sure alot of y’all  have seen the movie, but it’s nothing, NOTHING like the book. You should read it.

And there you go. All great books  that I think you should read, but in the words of  Levar Burton of Reading Rainbow fame: “You don’t have to take my word for it”

 

Prom April 27, 2008

I was driving home from a coloring party tonight( a random party where we all sat around and grazed on food and colored each others hair-fun times), and I looked at the car next to me, and there were some girls who were all dressed up for prom, probably on their way to some after-party somewhere.  They were singing to some song with the windows rolled down, and looked like they were having a good time.

My first thought was “Fucking Teenagers!”. This is my normal knee-jerk response when I see teenagers these days. Doesn’t that make me old?   Anyway, it made me think about my own prom experience.

The first and last prom I went to was in May of 1995, in Enid(that’s in Oklahoma). Back then, 9th grade was junior high, and we had this silly graduation ceremony, with Prom right after that. It was probably the most teenage thing I’ve ever done-I got all dressed up in this really pretty blue formal dress, and my foster mom took me to have my hair, makeup, and nails done. At that age, I really wasn’t happy with how I looked, and that night, I felt like a princess. I went with a guy named Phillip McAnally, who was my boyfriend. We danced all night, and he kept trying to kiss me, but my foster dad was one of the chaperones, and it was kind of akward, because he was watching me like a hawk. It was probably one of the best times that I had as a teenager.

Fast forward to my senior year. At Westmoore, Prom was a BIG DEAL. There was lots of talk about who was going together, who wasn’t, and all that crazy crap that was SO IMPORTANT back then. I got kind of caught in the excitement, and actually bought a prom ticket, without acutally thinking about it.  After awhile, I started thinking. I didn’t really have alot of friends, as most of the social circles were completely formed when I transferred to Westmoore, and they were hard to break into. So, I didn’t really have anyone to go with, and I didn’t want to go alone. My friend Debra invited me to go with her and her boyfriend, but I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel.  I also thought about asking this guy, Will Allen, who I sort of had a crush on(but didn’t truly realize unttil after we graduated, and then it was too late.), but I was terrfied to. He ended up going with his ex girlfriend, who he later married, but I digress. In the end, I decided that I wanted to be a part of things, so I was going to suck it up and go alone. This was about a week before prom, and hadn’t really told anyone I wanted to go until then. I was living in the children’s home at the time, and my house parents couldn’t take me to shop for a dress, and they wouldn’t let me use some of my savings to buy a dress.  So, I sat at home that Saturday and cried my eyes out. The next monday, I told all of my friends that I had gone to a friend’s prom instead, like I was too cool to go to my own.  What a silly girl I was.

It’s not really bothered me that much that I didn’t go to my Senior Prom.  I get sad sometimes, thinking about all of the teenage stuff I missed out on, because I was too wrapped up in myself and being depressed and all of that.  But, I suppose that it all happens for a reason,right?

I hope so.

Anyway, did you go to your senior Prom? My comments or open if you want to tell me a story about it. Or, if you didn’t go, if it’s bothered you or not.