What’s on my mind

I’ve been really remiss in putting up something every week. In my defense, I’ve been really busy with work, school, and drama. It’s taken on toll on my mental health, so any free time I have is spent just trying to gain some peace.

I have a post running around in my head about love songs, and my obsession with them, but it’s just not coming together right, so I’m putting it aside for a bit. Because I  have alot going on in my head, here are some random thoughts that I’ve had over the past few weeks.

If I had some money, the speed at which I would move out of my apartment would make you dizzy. For real.

I know that I’m not emotionally ready(read: way too needy) to have a boyfriend right now, but my god, I want a date. Someone cute to take me out and be nice to me, and not want to sleep with me. I know that I have alot of drama going on, but I have alot of good too. I wish some guy would see that.

I’ll love y’all, and I know you love me, but right now, if I hear, “you’re gonna find that right guy” One. More. Time., I think I might scream. I know that you’re coming from a good and loving place, but I’m tired of it. I’ve been trying to find “The One” since I was 14,and I’m tired. Where the hell is he?

A Knight’s Tale is a damn good movie. Totally inspirational. And no movie snobs, I’m not being sarcastic.

When I’m down and depressed about guys, I listen to “Time, Love, and Tenderness” by Michael Bolton(hi stan!). Totally lifts me up.
Best lyric: You may be down on your luck, but baby that ol’ luck’s gonna change.

School is HARD. I’m barely keeping my head above water. Sometimes I’d really like to quit.

I know alot of my freakouts are due to the fact that I’m not sleeping well, and eating way too much.

If I had more energy, I could get alot more done.

I really don’t want to go to my math class today.

Textsfromlastnight.com CRACKS me up. It’s hysterical.

Reading a really series of books about life in Edninburgh, Scotland. Very Funny.

I really want to see Michael Moore’s new movie.

I don’t think I’ve disliked the GOP more than I do right now. Filibustering a bill with a public option? Are you serious? Do you not read the polls?

Joe Lieberman is a real life Benedict Arnold. I hope he gets voted out the next election.

I knew Sam Bradford shouldn’t have come back for this season. I’m not mad at him, and I know he’s gonna do well in the NFL.

Whew! That was alot,and I’m sorry. A more interesting post in the works, I promise.

Fall

Fall and I have a love/ hate relationship.  I hate the month of September, for various reasons:

1. My grandmother died in September.
2. Every job that I’ve ever been fired from has been in September.
3. I make a lot of stupid decisions in September.

But, I’ve made it though September, and on to October. October has one particular event that really sucks. It one that I don’t really talk about, and I have no reason to talk about it now, except to maybe try to deal with my hatred of this season, and get back to the reasons why I love it.

On October 12, it will be fifteen years since my stepfather raped me.

Some of you reading this already knew about this, but I’d say the majority of you don’t.

I was 14, and the event changed my life forever.

I won’t go into the details, except that even now, I can remember every detail of that night.

My mother doesn’t believe that it happened, and my stepfather denies it.  I think that as I’ve gotten older, my mother has changed her mind about it, but probably will never tell me so.

I’ve forgiven my stepfather, but I still hate him for the irrevocable damage he did to my life. It’s why I have no confidence, a big reason for my weight, and why I still don’t fully trust any man.

Even now, I still question myself; if I made it all up. When you own mother doesn’t believe you, it’s easy to.  My stepfather may deny it to the end of his days, but I know what happened, he knows what happened, and God knows what happened. God is a just God, and I take heart that my stepfather will have to answer to God for what he did to me. I pray for his soul.

But like a lot of things, I’ve got to let this go, and stop using it for an excuse for not fully living my life. It’s something that happened to me, but it’s not who I am.

Sometimes, when I’m not thinking about all the crap, I love the fall. I actually love the cooler weather, the leaves changing color, and of course, the football (BOOMER!SOONER!). Like a really good friend said, I love how the fall gives you a sense of renewal, that you can do anything( A paraphrased quote by my buddy Nate-thanks!). And I CAN do anything.

A fellow blogger named Grace*(thank you!) gave a speech at a recent blogging conference, and by the magic of twitter, I stumbled upon what she said. The following is an excerpt, but really speaks to me. It’s about forgiveness.

Here’s to a good fall..

Grace’s speech:

I’ve held my breath pounding on the keyboard sending my truth off in blog posts to everywhere and everyone out there.  It’s scary as shit but I click on the “publish” link, “feeling the fear but doing it anyway.”

But I’m not scared in tapping out this entry, for today I want to be a warrior in the service of my sisters and brothers, – adult child abuse survivors.

I have a message for you, dear ones.  It’s radical and some people who have not been through what we suffered as children may not appreciate it.  Indeed, they may be angry at me in sharing this truth with you, something that I believe with all of my heart, mind and soul:

My message:  You don’t have to forgive your perpetrator.

And:  Forgiving your abuser is not necessary to achieve healing.

Forgiving those who criminally damaged and ravaged us is optional in moving on and living a fulfilling life.

If there is forgiveness to be offered, extend it to yourself.

Forgive yourself for being young, vulnerable, frightened, and unable to take action, unable to move from where you were standing, sitting or lying down as you were being molested, beaten and berated.

Forgive yourself for doing drugs, drinking too much, being promiscuous, giving yourself away.

Forgive yourself for flunking classes, not finishing college, not pushing yourself at work, not wanting to be ambitious, giving up.

Forgive yourself for having to be perfect in school, overworking and overachieving at the expense of your health and well being.

Forgive yourself for alienating your body, starving it, overfeeding it, not honoring it by exercising, being careless with your body for exercising it excessively.

Forgive yourself for the bad choices in partners, the fights, the break-ups, the divorces, the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

Forgive yourself for your fears as a parent, or your fear in becoming a parent.

Forgive yourself for yelling at your crying kids so much you want to smack their faces and shake them.  Then, forgive yourself for leaving them in the other room, crying and hollering, while you call the parental stress hotline.

Forgive yourself for having depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, dissociative disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder.  Forgive yourself for seeking help, taking medication, going to therapy, admitting yourself to the hospital.

Forgive yourself for feeling shame.

Forgive yourself for hating yourself.

Forgive yourself.  You’re the one who deserves it.

*PS- I’m horrible at this linking thing, but here’s Grace’s blog if you want to check it out  A true lady.

http://gracedavis.typepad.com/

The Beauty of letting go

I have a hard time letting things go. Case in point: I’m still sort of mad that my step-aunt dumped me as a flower girl when I was six. I’m a grudge holder. Any small slight, and I will remember it years later. When I have a crush, it takes a while to get over it. This is also true for the first(and only) time that I fell in love.

His name is Paul, and I was 19, and I was in love. We met in Job Corps, and we dated for 5 months, breaking up the day before Valentine’s day. It was the only serious relationship that I had been in; the only person that I ever said I love you to outside my family and friends. He loved me back, or so I thought. It turns out that he was still married, although seperated. I found out from one of his friends the night that I was going to give my virginity to him. That started a chain of events that led to our break-up. The end came when a girl name Michaela decided that she wanted him, and offered herself to him. I got jealous, and took it out on him. We fought, and he dumped me. He slept with her, and I broke her nose. They never got together, but he started dating this girl named Jennifer, and they seemed serious, but he would tell me that he missed me. That he loved me still, but we were too different. I was hurt, so I did what any nineteen year old would do: I got even. I became friends with Jennifer, and I let it slip that he was still married, which she wasn’t cool with. They almost broke up, and he said that he never wanted to speak to me again, and he didn’t. I always regretted it, and still do.

I carried that regret and that lingering love until today. Even though I was young and stupid, I held out hope that we could get back together someday. I think it had alot to do with the fact that I have not had a boyfriend since then. I needed closure. I had made a few attempts to contact via myspace and other outlets, to no avail. In july, I found his facebook page, and wrote him a message apologizing and saying that I had him in my head for nine years, and I needed to get him out, but didn’t know how. A month later, I got his response in my mass media class:

There isnt any need for an apology. I should be the one apologizing to you for the way I acted when we were together. I hope you have a good life, and find someone who can make you happy. But, I think it would be best if we do not speak to each other. I’m sorry, but I don’t see any reason for us to talk. Please, take care.

It floored me. I never thought that he would respond. It took everything to not break down today. I managed to finish my classes, and I got through work, although I had little flashes of wanting to break down. Leaving work, I turned on the radio. I heard this cover of Patty Griffin’s ‘Let him Fly’ by the Dixie Chicks. This line stood out to me:

Ain’t no talking to this man
He’s been trying to tell me so
Took a while to understand
The beauty of just letting go.

Like I’ve said, I don’t let things go easily. I think in my heart, I still hoped that he would say that he still loved me. I know that’s silly, and that I had him up on a pedestal. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk to me cuts me deeply, and brings up every single self esteem issue that I have. Sometimes I am so desperate to be in love, and I am scared that no one will ever love me. It’s a very dark place to be, and I am there now.

But you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to cry my eyes out tonight,and listen to sappy music, and get the pain out. And tomorrow, I’m going to get up, brush myself off, and keep moving on. There’s another line in the song that so fits:

But you must always know how long to stay
and when to go.

It’s time to go. It’s not going to be easy, because I can’t leave things alone. I also know that I’ve stayed in this state of waiting for him for far too long.

*Here’s the song if you wanna hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrn17soPpQQ
The video doesn’t go with the song, but it’s the only thing I could find*

I’m just a girl..

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants-It’s one of my favorite books. It’s a whole series of books that deals with female camaraderie.  It’s a good read, and one that makes me jealous.  I don’t have any close women friends, and it’s starting to bother me. Well, I have my best friend, Tia, but I think that we’re only friends out of necessity. Sad, but true. I don’t have any girlfriends that I can talk to about girly things, or share things with. I have lots of guy friends, probably more than one should have. I love them all dearly, but it’s a different sort of thing to have other women to share with, to connect with.

I often wonder what happened. When I was a little girl, my two best friends were Josie and Cynthia. We ran around playing dress up, making up dances to popular songs, playing with barbies, and having a good time. As we got older and puberty started to happen, we went through it together. Those friendships ended when I moved to Oklahoma, and life changed.  I was dealing with so much with my mother, my sexual assault, just crap, that I didn’t really have anytime to have friends. I was too busy trying to survive. I did have some really good friends when, I lived in Enid; Jolene and Tammy, and the girls in the FHA(Future Homemakers of America-yes, I was even the VP of  the local chapter. You can stop laughing). Of course, that changed when I moved back to Oklahoma City, and to Westmoore, which wasn’t the best  place to make friends. I made some guy friends, because I was sarcastic and didn’t mind all the sex talk. I had a few girl friends, and I’m sorry to say that I can’t remember there names. I had Dena, who was my bff at the time, and I sort of knew Karen, who I’m better friends with now. Other than Dena, I didn’t feel a connection with other girls. On the outside, they seemed to have these lives that you read about in a Babysitter’s Club book. Not like mine.  Because of sexual assault, I didn’t feel feminine, and any time I saw any of the “pretty girls”, I felt like that I needed to go an take a shower.

It’s still the same now. At work there’s this girl on my team who is super-pretty and we have a good chat about things, and even though I make an effort everyday to look my best, I still feel super ugly, and that I need to go home all over again.

It’s not all just superficial.  I’m a visual person, so it starts there. I don’t feel that I can relate to other women. I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, I don’t have kids, and I’m just only now starting to grow up. I guess the bottom line is that I feel that I can’t relate to other women, and I want to.

This post is kind of all over the place, and I’m sorry. It’s not meant to be a “please feel sorry for me “ thing either. I’ m really just trying to change my view of things, to be better person, and to have more friends. To relate to other women. I’m probably going to come back to this topic more, but I wanted to express what’s been on my mind.

PS-No offense to any of my guy friends. I love you all bunches. And to the girls on fb who have been super supportive of me, it’s in NO way meant to be mean towards y’all. In fact, it’s you who have woken me up to the idea that I can relate to other women. So thanks.

Dear twenties, it’s nearly over.

In case you haven’t figured it out (and if you haven’t, what the heck is wrong with you! Heh.), I’m 29. The last of my twenties.  I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I’m glad to see this decade go. It’s been tough and stupid, and I’m ready for new things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about turning 29. For the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve always been depressed around my birthday.  I would take stock of my life, and compare my life with others, and I never felt like I measured up. I didn’t have the degree, the husband or the babies, or the good friends.  For some reason, I thought that there was wrong with ME. That because I didn’t have any of these things, that I wasn’t okay.

A few days ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to think that way this year.   I’ve come a long way from 28. I have a really good job, a car that works, I’m in school, I’m sorting out my craziness, and I have amazing friends.  I don’t have a husband, and I don’t have babies, but I will.  I really think that I’m where I’m supposed to be. People say that my thirties are going to be amazing, and I agree.  I’m okay.

On this reflection on the day of my birth, I’d like to make some goals.  Nothing really fancy, but some things that I’d like to do this year:

1. I need to be more proactive about my writing.  Since I’m majoring in journalism, it’s time I started really writing. I don’t think I could write every day, but I’m going to make a commitment to write a blog at least once a week. And not just talking about my life, because if you read my twitter or facebook, you pretty much know what’s going on.  I’m going to post snippets of stories I think of, or what’s going on in the world, etc.

1. 2. I want to have more local friends I love all my peeps that are out of state. I really do. But I don’t have any local friends here, and it’s sort of hard to make them at my age.  I’m not 10 anymore; I can’t go up to people and ask them if they want to play.  So if you’re in the OKC area, let’s hang out sometime. Seriously.

I think those are two really good goals. I’m not going to try to stretch myself with any more than two; because the more stuff I have to do, the less likely I am to do them.

This is going to be a good year for me. I know it. I want to give a shout out to a few people for loving me and putting up with all my crazy. And there’s some people that I really think are cool

M(he knows who he is. And god, how I love him.)

Brian(in Tulsa)

Brian(in Tennessee)

Brandon(in Missouri)

Brandon(in North Carolina)

Joey

Donaven(I know your real name, but always think of you as donaven)

Karen(why weren’t we better friends in high school? And you’ve really had my back this year)

Carrie(I don’t know why I didn’t get to know you when I was going to brookwood? You rock!)

David and Tiffany

Paul  and Inita

PJ

Avery

Jeff(get out Kentucky!)

Brian(in Idaho. This guy just rocks it.)

Wyler

Mattie

Ryan Seacrest(I’m obsessed)

My therapist (who seriously, needs an award for listening to my mess and not committing me)

Everyone on GCN

Twitter

Dena

Mathew(her fab, FAB hubby)

If I didn’t  mention you, don’t be sad. There so many who have prayed for me, sent me encouraging notes, and took the time to listen. I’m grateful

Like my great-grandpa, Elmo used to say, “Onward and Upward.”

The Finer Things*

It’s been a looong time since I’ve written, so hiii!

I don’t have a real excuse for not writing. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say, because when do *not* have anything to say? Everytime I sit down to write something, I get bored with it, and quit.  Like right now, I really want to say “fuck it” and go back to mindlessly surfing the internets. But, I’m going to soldier through.

I’m doing okay. I’ve been going to counseling pretty steadily since january. I’m working on a program from The Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, and it’s helping alot. I’m sure alot of you knew it, but I never really knew that alot(well, all) of my freakouts were due to anxiety.  It’s sort of freeing to finally understand what’s wrong with you.  I’m still amazed that I’ve wasted SO much of my  life freaking out about silly things.  There’s still alot to sort out, but I’ve gained some new coping skills, and more positive ways to talk to myself, so all of those I’m feeling sorry about myself,and I want you to know about it so that I can get some attention facebook status updates should be few and far between.  I know I’ve been a Debbie Downer, and I’m sorry. I’ve also started taking an anti anxiety medication on Thursday, which is a choice that I thought long and hard about. I’m not a fan of medication, because I’m always afraid of unseen things, like accidental overdoses or that I would have some crazy allergic reaction and die in my sleep, which is bad, because I’m terrified of death.  Also, I really thought I could sort this out on my own.  While the program I’m working on is helping, my mind still races almost constantly, and I still have some nasty anxiety attacks.  I’m also still not able to focus on things, like writing this blog and proactively trying to sort my life out. So, my new doctor put me on a small dose, that takes a few weeks to take effect. I’m still very nervous about the side effects, and that I’ll be dependent on the medicine. So, we”ll see.

Speaking of new doctors, I went to a new doctor this week. I like her. She doesn’t talk to me like I’m stupid, although she is very honest. Obviously, my weight is a concern. I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh, but when I saw the number, I was in shock. I never thought I’d get up to what I am. I know alot of you would tell me that I’m beautiful and whatnot, and I appreciate that.  But this is getting ridiculous.  I’m wayy too smart to do this to myself.  My doctor encouraged me to start walking for at least 10 minutes a day, which I’m doing, but my body is not happy with it. She also set me up to see her colleague that specializes in weight management, which will be a little pricey, so I don’t know how it’s going to work. I’m going to see if my insurance will pay for it. At this point, weight loss surgery is an option. I’m willing to consider it,  but not until I seriously try to lose weight. I’ve never really tried  before and just going for the surgery is a cop-out, I think. If you have any tips to help me lose weight, or want to encourage me, or, if you live in the OKC area, you want to walk with me, let me know. Losing all this weight is going to be ALOT of work, and I still don’t want to, but I don’t want to be, in the words of my doctor, “thirty and in a wheelchair”.

So, I’m okay.  I’ve been talking about changing my life for awhile now, and haven’t really done that much.  I’m realizing now that it’s going to take baby steps, not the big steps that I want to do.  It’s tough to remember sometimes, but I AM trying.

I can’t believe I wrote for this long.

* The title really doesn’t have anything to do with anything. It’s the name of a Steve Winwood(bonus points if you know who this is) song that I keep  listening to over and over.

A change is gonna come

I am suspending blogs about changing my blog to talk about something a wee bit more important.

I wasn’t going to write a blog about politics this election season. If you know me or have read my facebook or twitter statuses, you pretty much know where I stand. Lately I’ve been reading some blog/notes from people that are on the conservative side, and their views have concerned me so much that I felt it important to speak out. I know there may be some (or a lot) who read this who might not agree with what I’m saying, and that’s fine. I would ask that if you are going to respond, please be cool about it. Sarcastic and mean responses will be deleted, or a harsh response from me. So, here we go.

If we’re choosing viewpoints, then I guess you could say that I’m a liberal. I’ve been that way my whole life really. My mother is a pseudo-hippie, so named because she was too young for the real hippie movement, but still had the attitude, that whole free love, anything goes, war! what is it good for? Attitude. She passed it on to me.

I’m also a Christian. I’m not the same Christian I was 10 years ago, but I believe that God sent his son to die for our sins. I God is a god of love, and that he loves everyone, no matter who or what they are. Period.

I’m also voting for Barack Obama for President of the United States of America.

Barack was not my first choice, or even my second. I’d been a fan of John Edwards since the 2004 race, and I felt that he really cared about people, and his viewpoints aligned with mine. When it became clear early on that he was not a viable candidate, I thought that I should vote for Hillary Clinton. I’d also been a fan of hers, and hello?-she was the first woman to have a real shot at the White House. But, she had a bit of arrogance that bothered me. And then there’s the small issue of her husband. God bless William Jefferson Clinton, but he’s a liability. If she became the nominee, the GOP would have a field day with all that baggage.

Many of my friends had been mentioning Barack to me for along time, but I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know a lot about him, other than his 2004 Democratic National Convention speech, which I liked. Then there was the issue of race. Yes, I’m going to say it. I have some personal issues with African-American men, which I admit I still struggle with. I looked at the superficial, and I had an immediate dis-trust of him. But in my heart of hearts, I knew that wasn’t a real reason to dismiss someone, so I looked further. I read his book “The Audacity of Hope,” and to be honest, it changed my perspective a lot. Barack is a very smart guy, and that book really displayed his love for this country, and that we can do better, we can be better. He kept that message going in his speeches, and I changed my mind.

I know there are many people that think this country is going down the wrong path, and I agree. George W. Bush has taken this country into hell, for his own personal benefit, and it’s time to bring it back. I really feel Barack is the best person to do this. I know that some of his speeches sound like he wants to create a utopia, but what can’t be worse than what we’ve had.

I used to like John McCain. I really did. In the 2004 election, he was a maverick of sorts. But, time has changed him, and he’s gone from someone who cares about the country, into someone that wants to win for winning’s sake. If he really cared, he would shut up about how horrible Obama is, and tell us how he wants to change this country. Instead, he got arrogant, and picked the WORST POSSIBLE CANDIDATE EVER for Vice President, Governor Sarah Palin.

Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Palin is pretty. And she’s done a lot in her state. And that’s great. But being governor of a state that has less people than 17 cities in the lower 48 doesn’t give you the experience you need to be a “heartbeat away” from being President. It just doesn’t. As her interviews can show, she has no idea about a lot of things, and I would not feel comfortable having her that close. I’m also against a lot of the things she stands for, most importantly abortion.

Let’s talk about that for a second. I have a weird opinion about abortion. Personally, I do believe that life starts at conception, and I were to get knocked up(and we all know that I have no business having a kid at this point), that unless my life was at risk, there would be no way I’d have abortion. That is my choice. However, I do feel that I have no right at all telling another woman what she may or may not do with her body. I know that may seem contradictory, but its how I feel. I don’t know what a woman has gone through, and it isn’t fair to for me to force someone to go through the craziness of pregnancy because I feel it’s wrong. I know that a woman doesn’t have to keep a baby once it’s born, but honestly, being pregnant is a rough experience, and some women aren’t in a situation that they can go through that. I know that a lot of people feel that abortion is murder, and I’m not sure I would go to that extreme. It is sad when a woman chooses not to have a child, but it’s her choice. That woman is going to have to live with that decision for the rest of her life, and there’s not much we can do to beat that woman up, that she hasn’t already done to herself. To force someone to have a child can do more damage to a child than if it’s not born at all. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and above all, I will always support a woman’s right to choose.

Back to Sarah. It’s great that she’s a woman and she’s done a lot in her own state. But that in no way prepares her for the national stage. It’s as simple as that.

I’ve read a lot of blogs from some of my conservative friends, I find them supporting John McCain, and that frightens me. They’ve believed all the hate that’s coming from that campaign. It’s sad, and I don’t understand it. We’ve been through eight years of bullshit, and McCain has not said enough to make me believe that the next four are going to be any different.

There are a lot of points that I could cover at this point, but to my conservative friends, I only have one question: What are you so afraid of? This country is poor, we’re in a war that we SHOULD NOT be in, and most of the world thinks that we’re dumbasses. What would be so wrong with something different? A real opportunity to turn this country around, to what our founders wanted it to be. As hokey as it sounds, I believe in the American Dream. That if we work hard, help our neighbor, and have just a little faith, that we can have all that we want. It’s what I want, and if you’d take just a moment to listen to Barack, you can see that’s what he wants.

Change is coming. Positive, uplifting change. Are you ready?

A different blog

I’ve been reading alot of blogs lately, and I realize that I know absoultely nothing about blogging. I’ve been doing online journaling for years(anyone remember diaryland?), and I realize that my blog is nothing more than just a place for me to complain about the sad state of my life, and I really didn’t intend for it to be. I’m not sure what I want it to be, but it has to be more than what it’s been lately. Yes, my life does blow, but that’s not all that’s in my head. I just need to figure out how to get what’s in my head out into this blog. But, I need some advice. I’d like to know about how to post videos and pictures, and ways to just make this place…pop.

Any ideas you’ve got would be appreciated!

I am Yvonne’s granddaughter.

Nine years ago today,my grandma died. She had been sick for a really long time, and she simply got tired, and she left this world. I used to be not okay with that, but I realized that she did what she had to.

But this thread is not about that. A few years after she died, I focused on her death, and it was painful. Then, as those who’ve lost someone already know, I chose to focus on her life, that she LIVED. She had an amazing life.

She grew up in a small town,surrounded by family, friends, and the animals that she always loved. She fell in love, got married, had four very interesting children(including my mother),went through patches, got divorced, fell in with a bad crowd, went to jail, got out, changed her life, fell in love again, moved to California,and a load of other things that I could tell you.

She was smart, she loved sports(so much so that she made me play football), she was funny, she was bold, and lived every day to the fullest.

There are alot of bad things about her as well, but I choose not to dwell on those things. I choose to dwell on things like how she taught me to skate after my mother couldn’t. How she let a spider live in her kitchen, and would have a fit if anyone tried to kill it. How she got kicked out of my football game for yelling and trying to fight a referee(see where I get my thirst for fighting? ). How she always said that she loved me “a big heap whole lot”. How she always encouraged me to live boldly, even as I grew up and went through the things I went through.

Don’t get me wrong; I miss her. I miss that she doesn’t know who I’ve grown up to be. I miss that she will never know the man I will marry, or get to hold any of my babies.

But today, I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to think about how this amazing woman came to be my grandmother, and I am a better person for having her in my world, even for the little time I did.

I like to think that she’s in heaven, watching me, rolling her eyes at my mother, and bossing people around.

So, I’m thankful that I got to be her granddaughter, that I got to love her, and that we brought joy into each other’s lives.

Why this post isn’t about jealousy.

I know that I mentioned on facebook* that my next blog was going to be about jealousy. I was in the process of writing said post when something happened this weekend to overshadow all that I had written in my head.

My mother is GETTING MARRIED.

Holy hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I’m in that much shock to leave that much space.  It totally came out of left field.  The best part? She told me in a text message. A FUCKING text message.  I’m not really mad about the text message per se, because most of our communicating these days has been through texting(it’s just better that we don’t see alot of each other).  But seriously, how the hell do you tell your daughter that you’re getting married in a text message? It’s just like something that someone in their early twenties would do. And…she’s not in her early twenties.

It’s also a shock because I had no idea that she was even seeing anyone. Supposedly he’s an old boyfriend from high school, and he lives in Shreveport, Louisiana. When I asked if she’s moving there, she said, “Maybe”. Another shock in itself.

As you can read, I’m pretty freaked out. I’m not really sure why, because I really shouldn’t be. My mother aren’t really close, and I’m always saying how much that I can’t stand her, she gets on my nerves, etc. So the news that she’s getting married and possibly moving should have me on the floor, thanking God that she’ll be out of my hair. And a part of me would love her to get the hell away. And another part is sad.

My roommate, in all her knowing-ness, said that I’m mad for the following reasons:

1. My mom will have managed to get married 3 times, and I’m jealous in a twisted sort of way-She’s right about this one. I hate myself for thinking it, but I’m like, “Damn, she’s had three, and I can’t manage to get one?  This is sad”.

 

2. I’m mad because I didn’t know anything about it-Also very true. I hate being the last to know, and that happens in my family. When I mentioned this to my mom, she’s like, “Well, you don’t tell anything about you to me either”. Touche.

Now this third reason, I’m not so sure about..

3. I’m mad because I actually care about my mom more than I would like anyone to know-Hmmph. My first reaction when she said it was, “You’re fucking crazy”. I HATE my mother, right? She’s been getting on my nerves since practically birth, starting with the god-awful choice of my name (my first name isn’t Nikki, and no, I’m not telling you), all the way up to text messaging me at 3am, telling me not to eat tomatoes(because of the whole salmonella thing).  She’s pushy, rude, tacky, and a down right bitch sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to shake her and scream, “Shut up! You’re making me crazy!”.  But you know what? Depsite all that, I love the crazy old woman.  If I look deep down(and we’re talking way deep down here), I do care somewhat about what happens to her.

So, my roommate’s probably right.

God.

Please don’t tell my mother. I’ll totally deny it.

 

*If we’re not friends on facebook, we totally should be. I LUV facebook. My last name is Taylor. Look me up. And to all you stalkers, you won’t find anything on google about me, so don’t try.*