The One about Rejection, Part I December 21, 2007
Rejection is a nasty beast. And I’ve been thinking about it alot here lately, especially after my latest bout with it. I won’t go into all the nasty details; it’s just me trying to force “instant intimacy” on a guy, and naturally being rebuffed. It happened while I was at work, and I immediately started to freak out, what I like to call a shame attack. I started to talking to Paul, who is my go to guy during my attacks, and start whining about how sick I was of being rejected, questioning what was wrong with me, and vowing to off myself* or joining a nunnery if I didn’t get a guy soon. Paul listened politely, and then asked me a question: “What are you really afraid of Nikki, being rejected, or being accepted?”.
I had opened my mouth(or in this case started typing) a response, until I read the question again.
Whoa. I’d never really thought about it before. Paul told me that his therapist once told him that he really wasn’t afraid of rejection, that he was so used to it, that it was so safe, that being accepted would throw him off. Paul wondered if that was the same for me.
Honestly? I don’t know. If some guy were to come up to me right now and ask me out, I would lift up my eyes to the heavens and praise God. After that brief moment of praise, I would start thinking: Why is this guy asking me out? Why does he like me? I ‘ve got nothing to offer. Does he just want to sleep with me? Is this a joke?. Really, it’s almost like it’s safer living in rejection-land. Like I’m protecting myself. I know some of y’all are rolling your eyes at the obvious-ness of it all, but give me a break. I’m not sure how to answer Paul, but when I know, I’ll update this. I will say though, thinking about this has stopped the pain of the rejection, just a little.
* Note to everyone: Please don’t take my threats of suicide seriously. I honestly only do it when I’m frustrated, as I’m way too self-centered to really do this. I shall make an attempt to not do this in the future. Many, Many apolgies to my facebook peeps, especially Jenn.