The one about being single. January 17, 2008
This is not going to be a post about me complaining about being single. Yes, I haven’t had a real boyfriend in nearly 8 years, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to have one soon, and it sucks ass, but that’s not why I’m writing.
There was a thread on GCN awhile back about being single, and whether some people are meant to be single forever. There were lots of posts about people slowly becoming okay with it, that God has somehow called them to be single. I didn’t respond to the thread, but I had a hard time reading it. I mean, isn’t there supposed to be someone for everyone? All my life, I’ve always heard about “the one”; the one that completes you, that you’re supposed to be with forever. I’ve also heard, “there’s someone for everyone out there”. If that’s true, then why are they’re so many people, gay and straight, that haven’t found that person? How long does it take?
There are lot of people my age and younger that have figured that out,find that “one”. I’ve been already invited to 2 weddings this year, and I know tons of people who are having babies. Every time I go to a wedding, or visit someone who’s just had a baby, I’m starting to be asked the question, “So, Nikki, when are you going to get married/have a baby?”. And I don’t have a response.
I know I’m rambling alot, but I’m starting to worry that I’m going to be one of those people that doesn’t have a “one and only”, that God is intending me to be single. And right now, that is not okay with me. In the back of my mind, I’ve had this internal timeframe, that I’d be married by 23, and having my first kid at 25 or 26, and be done with kids by 31 or 32. I’ve often wondered how I came upon that particular time frame, and I guess you could chalk it up to society. Even in this day and age, you’re still looked down upon if you’re not married, and don’t have kids. So,girls my age are rushing around, trying to find a husband, so they can have kids, and by doing so, that makes you okay. But does it? Do I really need to get married and procreate to be happy? If you asked me this a year ago, I would have said yes. Now, I don’t know. I’ve met so many people on GCN, and they don’t have the one, and they’re truly happy, because they feel that it’s what God wanted for them. I wonder how I can get that happiness.
Most of you know about M, and that whole situation. I used to think that he was the one. And I kind of still do. Or at least, I hope he’s the one, because the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is terrifying, and I’m not at the point where I can be okay with that. I still have hope that Olaf is out there, but if he’s not, I hope that I can be like some of my friends, and learn to be happy, to accept what God has for me. And to stop listening to cheesy love songs, which sparked this little ditty.
I know it seems like you are going to be single forever but believe me you will find that person. I was single for 5+ years and kind of just stumbled into what I have now.
I know the feeling dude. Totally. It’s been well over 3 years since I’ve been in a serious relationship.
One time, when I was in college, I was with a small group of friends (all girls) and we came across the ‘destined to be single’ conversation. That was a question I had never contemplated, and like you, had a hard time coming to terms with it. But then shortly after that, I was reminded of the bible verse Jer. 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And, okay, given what curve balls life has thrown me since that conversation my freshman year of college, I’ve had a hard time coming to terms to that verse and how it applies. On one hand, it’s plain as day, but on the other hand, it makes me question how His plans for each individual plays into the big picture. Because i don’t get some of his plans. Period. I even think some of them are stupid. But, I also know I never will understand. So, with that said, i try to take hope in the future to see how the rest of His plans play out; curiosity gets the best of me. As many questions, doubts, and struggles I have coming to terms with my faith, I am certain that He is the only one that knows the outcome. With that said, I think if I’m destined to be single, there’s a reason, and whatever reason that is will be better and more exciting for me than being in a relationship would ever be. Sure I long for what I don’t have, but doesn’t everyone? At the same time, I try to think about the things I would never have been able to do if I had a family at this point in my life, and consider myself fortunate.
And, I dunno, as much as I want a relationship, husband, family, etc, I think in order to be happy now, I have to take control of my life and live for the here and now. Take advantage of being single; even be a little selfish because I can. I’m bored with singleness, but I’m living like its only going to be me myself and i, and if someone comes along and join my adventure, so be it - the more the merrier.
And you know society’s image of the ‘life timeline’? I have one too. And I agree, it’s society, and it’s also the reason I hate Oklahoma. Oklahoma is a step behind Utah for having the youngest average marrying age for females (no lie!) at 22. No wonder we all feel like old spinsters in Oklahoma! Our odds are a lot better in New York, Massachusetts, and Washington DC (27-30).
So, don’t lose hope yet. And just remember, when all the old people start poking you at weddings telling you you’re next, be sure to poke them back at funerals and tell them they’re next!!