Everything and Nothing March 30, 2008

I’m sorry I’m not updating much. I feel that I should write something everyday, but when I log in to write a post, I realize that I have nothing to say.  A few hours go by, and then I think of something interesting to write about, but I don’t have time to sit and write it down, and I lose it. It’s really frustrating, and I really need to break down and buy a notebook to keep with me, to jot things down.  The thing is, I can barely keep up with my keys and my cellphone, how in the hell can I be expected to keep up with a notebook?

 Anyway, I’m doing okay. Most of you know that I got a new job for a company called The Hartford. It’s great pay, and closer to home, and it was just …time to move on, you know?  Since I’m not dumb enough to talk about my job online, I can’t tell you more. It’s not been bad, but I think I went as far as I could go here.

 Therapy is going well, for the most part.  That’s all I’ll say about that.

 I’ve decided that I’m going to school in the fall, come hell or high water. I’ve gotten my transcripts together(which seemed like it took a lifetime to do), and I’ve sent off my application. So, we’ll see. I have no idea what I want to do, but I need to be doing something.

The weight loss thing is going..badly. I’ve been without caffiene for like 3 weeks now, and it’s getting rough. I want a Dr. Pepper sooo badly, but I’m resisting.  I’ve been walking some, but not as much as I probably should. The gym at my apartment complex is opening up this week, so my roommate and I are going to work out every morning.  I know some of y’all are laughing, because this is ME we’re talking about. Seriously though, I’m gonna get up and do it. I have to lose weight.  I can’t say anything more than that.

There is something else I’d like to talk about, but I can’t just yet. It’s something that a particular person doesn’t need to know about, and they happen to read this blog, and I’m not ready to have them know about it..yet. If you’re just dying of curiosity, send me a note, and I’ll tell you.

 So, there’s an update on my life. If anyone has got any ideas about how I can store cool things I think of, so that I can write a post about it, let me know.

Moments of clarity March 10, 2008

What do I mean by that? Well, for the longest time, I’ve been living life in a sort of…fog.  Just..surviving. Going to work, coming home, eating dinner, getting online, going to bed.  Not really socializing with anyone, and not accomplishing anything that I wanted to do. And, it’s not getting me anywhere. I’m almost 28 years old, and I’ve not done too much with my life. Yes, I have a job(which I like alot), a decent car, and I have everything I need. The thing is, I know I’m capable of so much MORE.  But there’s this fog that’s surrounded me for the longest time, that’s hindered me doing anything. Most of the fog is made up of fear, because I’m afraid of everything. I have a running list of everything that I’m afraid of, and if you saw it, you’d think I was a wee bit mental(or alot mental, whatever).

 The bottom line is, I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of getting older and nothing is happening to me. I’m tired of being jealous of people having the sort of life that I want to have. I’m tired of just…existing.

I’ve been in therapy several times, the longest stint was from 14-16, after I went into foster care.  Other than that, I’ve gone to a few sessions, and dropped out for one excuse or another.  Late last year, I almost lost a really good friend(M), because of all my fears/craziness, and it helped me to see that it was time to start fixing me.  To stop being afraid.

  So, in January, I started therapy again. It’s going really well so far.  I’m not going to go into detail what we talk about, but my therapist has really made me question myself, why I think the things I do, and why I feel the way that I feel.  She’s also helped me to see that changing my life isn’t going to happen immediately. I’m an impatient person, and I want things to happen now. And when they don’t, I kind of just give up and do nothing. I realize that I can’t live my life that way, so I’m taking baby steps. An example: usually on my days off, I sleep all day long and don’t get anything done. What I’ve been doing is trying to at least leave the house, whether it’s going somewhere with my roommate, getting gas, anything. As long as I get dressed and leave.  It’s a small goal, and I’m trying to keep doing it. Another goal I have is to lose weight, which is huge. So far, I’ve stopped drinking soda, which hasn’t been so bad.  I’m going to stop drinking tea and coffee soon, which will be not so good.

Honestly, these seem like small steps, but I’m trying to convince myself that they are big steps, because they truly are. I’ve got other things that I want to do, but I realize that I can’t do them all at once. Baby steps. That’s the way to go.

To be honest, the fog is still there. I wake up sometimes and don’t want to get up. I get lonely, and start to freak out when no one will talk to me.  But the moments of clarity are happening more often, and I’m glad.

Why I’m ticked off. March 9, 2008

This post was originally supposed to be about therapy, but lately I’ve been posting various passive- aggressive facebook status updates, that I thought it time to air my grievances.

 So, In no particular order, why I’m so ticked off:

1. I want to be on GCN radio: I’ve really been mad about this for more than a year, and I really need to get over it. There’s been various GCN members on the radio program, and even a few straight members. Well, just one straight member in particular, and I’m not going to mention their name. A few weeks ago, a straight that is not even a GCN’er was on there, and  I was just hurt. I totally get that GCN radio is moving towards a format where they actually talk about important things towards the GLBT community, and I totally support that. But I would like to think that I’ve have something important to say too, and it would be really funny.  What’s funny(and so very sad) is that if I were asked to be on the show now, I would want to say no, because I would think that  the only reason I was being asked is because of my constant bitching about it.  My roommate says the reason that I’m so hurt is that GCN is sooo important to me, and that we’ve grown so much, that I’m not important to GCN.  If I were to discount myself, I’d say that GCN is not for me, and I shouldn’t even care.  But I’ve decided not to discount my feelings anymore, and even if I sound like I spoiled brat-I don’t care. I think it sucks that I can’t be on GCN radio, and I’m saying something about it.

2. People should not sign onto AIM, Yahoo or any other messenger if they’re only going to be away immediately:  I’m going to be a jerk and say it. I see people who log on to various messengers, only to go in to away mode, and stay there for the duration. What’s the point? I always thought that you went on to messenger to talk to people, and it you didn’t, you would LOG OFF, so that people like me wouldn’t send you a million messages and getting on your nerves.  If this sounds like you, please know that I still love you to pieces, but I hate what you do when you get on messenger.

3. Being a GCN moderator sucks sometimes:  And that’s all I’ll say about it, because various people could read this, and it start some major drama about nothing. I’ll just say that it sucks, and I think we should stop mollycoddling people sometimes.

Those are my main gripes, and I honestly feel alot better for getting them out. If I offended anyone, I’m truly sorry, but I am not sorry for what I’ve said. I’m just not. I’m sick of being annoyed all the time, and not being able to say anything about it, because of fear of offending someone. I will try in the future to be tactful, but if I’m bothered about something, I’m going to talk about it.