Moments of clarity March 10, 2008

What do I mean by that? Well, for the longest time, I’ve been living life in a sort of…fog.  Just..surviving. Going to work, coming home, eating dinner, getting online, going to bed.  Not really socializing with anyone, and not accomplishing anything that I wanted to do. And, it’s not getting me anywhere. I’m almost 28 years old, and I’ve not done too much with my life. Yes, I have a job(which I like alot), a decent car, and I have everything I need. The thing is, I know I’m capable of so much MORE.  But there’s this fog that’s surrounded me for the longest time, that’s hindered me doing anything. Most of the fog is made up of fear, because I’m afraid of everything. I have a running list of everything that I’m afraid of, and if you saw it, you’d think I was a wee bit mental(or alot mental, whatever).

 The bottom line is, I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of getting older and nothing is happening to me. I’m tired of being jealous of people having the sort of life that I want to have. I’m tired of just…existing.

I’ve been in therapy several times, the longest stint was from 14-16, after I went into foster care.  Other than that, I’ve gone to a few sessions, and dropped out for one excuse or another.  Late last year, I almost lost a really good friend(M), because of all my fears/craziness, and it helped me to see that it was time to start fixing me.  To stop being afraid.

  So, in January, I started therapy again. It’s going really well so far.  I’m not going to go into detail what we talk about, but my therapist has really made me question myself, why I think the things I do, and why I feel the way that I feel.  She’s also helped me to see that changing my life isn’t going to happen immediately. I’m an impatient person, and I want things to happen now. And when they don’t, I kind of just give up and do nothing. I realize that I can’t live my life that way, so I’m taking baby steps. An example: usually on my days off, I sleep all day long and don’t get anything done. What I’ve been doing is trying to at least leave the house, whether it’s going somewhere with my roommate, getting gas, anything. As long as I get dressed and leave.  It’s a small goal, and I’m trying to keep doing it. Another goal I have is to lose weight, which is huge. So far, I’ve stopped drinking soda, which hasn’t been so bad.  I’m going to stop drinking tea and coffee soon, which will be not so good.

Honestly, these seem like small steps, but I’m trying to convince myself that they are big steps, because they truly are. I’ve got other things that I want to do, but I realize that I can’t do them all at once. Baby steps. That’s the way to go.

To be honest, the fog is still there. I wake up sometimes and don’t want to get up. I get lonely, and start to freak out when no one will talk to me.  But the moments of clarity are happening more often, and I’m glad.