The Finer Things*
It’s been a looong time since I’ve written, so hiii!
I don’t have a real excuse for not writing. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say, because when do *not* have anything to say? Everytime I sit down to write something, I get bored with it, and quit. Like right now, I really want to say “fuck it” and go back to mindlessly surfing the internets. But, I’m going to soldier through.
I’m doing okay. I’ve been going to counseling pretty steadily since january. I’m working on a program from The Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety, and it’s helping alot. I’m sure alot of you knew it, but I never really knew that alot(well, all) of my freakouts were due to anxiety. It’s sort of freeing to finally understand what’s wrong with you. I’m still amazed that I’ve wasted SO much of my life freaking out about silly things. There’s still alot to sort out, but I’ve gained some new coping skills, and more positive ways to talk to myself, so all of those I’m feeling sorry about myself,and I want you to know about it so that I can get some attention facebook status updates should be few and far between. I know I’ve been a Debbie Downer, and I’m sorry. I’ve also started taking an anti anxiety medication on Thursday, which is a choice that I thought long and hard about. I’m not a fan of medication, because I’m always afraid of unseen things, like accidental overdoses or that I would have some crazy allergic reaction and die in my sleep, which is bad, because I’m terrified of death. Also, I really thought I could sort this out on my own. While the program I’m working on is helping, my mind still races almost constantly, and I still have some nasty anxiety attacks. I’m also still not able to focus on things, like writing this blog and proactively trying to sort my life out. So, my new doctor put me on a small dose, that takes a few weeks to take effect. I’m still very nervous about the side effects, and that I’ll be dependent on the medicine. So, we”ll see.
Speaking of new doctors, I went to a new doctor this week. I like her. She doesn’t talk to me like I’m stupid, although she is very honest. Obviously, my weight is a concern. I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh, but when I saw the number, I was in shock. I never thought I’d get up to what I am. I know alot of you would tell me that I’m beautiful and whatnot, and I appreciate that. But this is getting ridiculous. I’m wayy too smart to do this to myself. My doctor encouraged me to start walking for at least 10 minutes a day, which I’m doing, but my body is not happy with it. She also set me up to see her colleague that specializes in weight management, which will be a little pricey, so I don’t know how it’s going to work. I’m going to see if my insurance will pay for it. At this point, weight loss surgery is an option. I’m willing to consider it, but not until I seriously try to lose weight. I’ve never really tried before and just going for the surgery is a cop-out, I think. If you have any tips to help me lose weight, or want to encourage me, or, if you live in the OKC area, you want to walk with me, let me know. Losing all this weight is going to be ALOT of work, and I still don’t want to, but I don’t want to be, in the words of my doctor, “thirty and in a wheelchair”.
So, I’m okay. I’ve been talking about changing my life for awhile now, and haven’t really done that much. I’m realizing now that it’s going to take baby steps, not the big steps that I want to do. It’s tough to remember sometimes, but I AM trying.
I can’t believe I wrote for this long.
* The title really doesn’t have anything to do with anything. It’s the name of a Steve Winwood(bonus points if you know who this is) song that I keep listening to over and over.
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