Something I said in responding to a thread on GCN:
“Life is short, and there’s too much joy in the world, and you’ll miss it if you’re afraid of the pain that comes every once in awhile.”
So very,very true.
And, I need take my own advice.
I’ve missed out on the joy for far too long.
A conversation between my roommate and I:
Me: Oh look, the GCN conference is going to be in Anaheim, California this year. That’s close to where I grew up, I can go see my grandpa.
Tia, my roommate: How far is your grandpa from there?
Me: About 45 minutes.
Tia: You won’t go.
Me: Why not?
Tia: Because you never do.
Me: That’s not true. I really want to see my grandpa. I haven’t been out in Cali since I was 13.
Tia: Let me ask you a question: When you went to DC in January, didn’t you plan on doing alot of stuff.
Me: Yeah, but I’ve been to DC before, and I’ve seen alot of stuff.
Tia: Your past history has shown that you don’t do the things that you say you’re going to do, so it’s a pretty good chance that you won’t this time.
Me: You don’t know that.
Tia: Um, yeah, I do.
Me: Thanks for being so positive.
Tia: I wasn’t being negative.
Me: Um, yeah, you were. Just because my past is dumb, doesn’t mean that I’m going to do the same dumb things in the future.
Tia: Yeah, maybe, but you don’t really change.
Me: Thanks for the support.
Tia: You’re welcome.
Hmmmph.
Thoughts, anyone?
So awhile ago, fringes over at www.650miles.com(I can’t figure out how to link it, so if anyone can give me advice on how to do that, let a girl know.) tagged me for a MeMe, and I actually typed up a really good one, but I erased it somehow. I was really pissed about it,and have been procrastinating about doing it ever since. Since I promised to do it, here it is:
* List three books you’ve always meant to read, but haven’t got around to them
War and Peace-Leo Tolstoy: I know, it’s rather pretentious, isn’t it? I started this book in the 7th grade, and I read like 2 pages. I want to finish it.
The Historian-Elizabeth Kostova: It’s totally sitting in my closet. Everyone I’ve talked to says that it’s really good.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings-Maya Angelou: Another book I tried to start along time ago, and never finished. If anyone has a copy, let me know.
* Share the two books that changed your life
Same Sweet Girls-Cassandra King: A chick lit book, and it didn’t really change my life, but it did provide me with this quote that sums up my whole out look on life: “Honey, it will either work out, or it won’t.”
Pride and Predjudice-Jane Austen: My FAVORITE author, and my favorite book. If you’re a romantic or even a cynic, you will love this book. And, I think Elizabeth Bennet is the character that resembles Jane Austen the most. Awesome book.
* Recommend the one book you’ve been talking about since the very first day you read it
I read Gone with the Wind for the first time in the 7th grade. I’ve read it probably a hundred times since then. The story never gets old. Scarlett O’Hara is one the greatest characters in American Literature. I’m sure alot of y’all have seen the movie, but it’s nothing, NOTHING like the book. You should read it.
And there you go. All great books that I think you should read, but in the words of Levar Burton of Reading Rainbow fame: “You don’t have to take my word for it”
I was driving home from a coloring party tonight( a random party where we all sat around and grazed on food and colored each others hair-fun times), and I looked at the car next to me, and there were some girls who were all dressed up for prom, probably on their way to some after-party somewhere. They were singing to some song with the windows rolled down, and looked like they were having a good time.
My first thought was “Fucking Teenagers!”. This is my normal knee-jerk response when I see teenagers these days. Doesn’t that make me old? :) Anyway, it made me think about my own prom experience.
The first and last prom I went to was in May of 1995, in Enid(that’s in Oklahoma). Back then, 9th grade was junior high, and we had this silly graduation ceremony, with Prom right after that. It was probably the most teenage thing I’ve ever done-I got all dressed up in this really pretty blue formal dress, and my foster mom took me to have my hair, makeup, and nails done. At that age, I really wasn’t happy with how I looked, and that night, I felt like a princess. I went with a guy named Phillip McAnally, who was my boyfriend. We danced all night, and he kept trying to kiss me, but my foster dad was one of the chaperones, and it was kind of akward, because he was watching me like a hawk. It was probably one of the best times that I had as a teenager.
Fast forward to my senior year. At Westmoore, Prom was a BIG DEAL. There was lots of talk about who was going together, who wasn’t, and all that crazy crap that was SO IMPORTANT back then. I got kind of caught in the excitement, and actually bought a prom ticket, without acutally thinking about it. After awhile, I started thinking. I didn’t really have alot of friends, as most of the social circles were completely formed when I transferred to Westmoore, and they were hard to break into. So, I didn’t really have anyone to go with, and I didn’t want to go alone. My friend Debra invited me to go with her and her boyfriend, but I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel. I also thought about asking this guy, Will Allen, who I sort of had a crush on(but didn’t truly realize unttil after we graduated, and then it was too late.), but I was terrfied to. He ended up going with his ex girlfriend, who he later married, but I digress. In the end, I decided that I wanted to be a part of things, so I was going to suck it up and go alone. This was about a week before prom, and hadn’t really told anyone I wanted to go until then. I was living in the children’s home at the time, and my house parents couldn’t take me to shop for a dress, and they wouldn’t let me use some of my savings to buy a dress. So, I sat at home that Saturday and cried my eyes out. The next monday, I told all of my friends that I had gone to a friend’s prom instead, like I was too cool to go to my own. What a silly girl I was.
It’s not really bothered me that much that I didn’t go to my Senior Prom. I get sad sometimes, thinking about all of the teenage stuff I missed out on, because I was too wrapped up in myself and being depressed and all of that. But, I suppose that it all happens for a reason,right?
I hope so.
Anyway, did you go to your senior Prom? My comments or open if you want to tell me a story about it. Or, if you didn’t go, if it’s bothered you or not.
“What’s there to say about a life of struggle when others have had it so much worse? I’m still alive”
I think that when I die, I’d like to have this on my tombstone. (Not that I want to die anytime soon, because I totally don’t ) I’m not sure who said it, but it just fits my life; I’ve gone through alot of crap, but I know people have had worse. And you know what? I survived. And I’m still surviving.
PS-The book recommendations meme is coming!
I’m sorry I’m not updating much. I feel that I should write something everyday, but when I log in to write a post, I realize that I have nothing to say. A few hours go by, and then I think of something interesting to write about, but I don’t have time to sit and write it down, and I lose it. It’s really frustrating, and I really need to break down and buy a notebook to keep with me, to jot things down. The thing is, I can barely keep up with my keys and my cellphone, how in the hell can I be expected to keep up with a notebook?
Anyway, I’m doing okay. Most of you know that I got a new job for a company called The Hartford. It’s great pay, and closer to home, and it was just …time to move on, you know? Since I’m not dumb enough to talk about my job online, I can’t tell you more. It’s not been bad, but I think I went as far as I could go here.
Therapy is going well, for the most part. That’s all I’ll say about that.
I’ve decided that I’m going to school in the fall, come hell or high water. I’ve gotten my transcripts together(which seemed like it took a lifetime to do), and I’ve sent off my application. So, we’ll see. I have no idea what I want to do, but I need to be doing something.
The weight loss thing is going..badly. I’ve been without caffiene for like 3 weeks now, and it’s getting rough. I want a Dr. Pepper sooo badly, but I’m resisting. I’ve been walking some, but not as much as I probably should. The gym at my apartment complex is opening up this week, so my roommate and I are going to work out every morning. I know some of y’all are laughing, because this is ME we’re talking about. Seriously though, I’m gonna get up and do it. I have to lose weight. I can’t say anything more than that.
There is something else I’d like to talk about, but I can’t just yet. It’s something that a particular person doesn’t need to know about, and they happen to read this blog, and I’m not ready to have them know about it..yet. If you’re just dying of curiosity, send me a note, and I’ll tell you.
So, there’s an update on my life. If anyone has got any ideas about how I can store cool things I think of, so that I can write a post about it, let me know.
What do I mean by that? Well, for the longest time, I’ve been living life in a sort of…fog. Just..surviving. Going to work, coming home, eating dinner, getting online, going to bed. Not really socializing with anyone, and not accomplishing anything that I wanted to do. And, it’s not getting me anywhere. I’m almost 28 years old, and I’ve not done too much with my life. Yes, I have a job(which I like alot), a decent car, and I have everything I need. The thing is, I know I’m capable of so much MORE. But there’s this fog that’s surrounded me for the longest time, that’s hindered me doing anything. Most of the fog is made up of fear, because I’m afraid of everything. I have a running list of everything that I’m afraid of, and if you saw it, you’d think I was a wee bit mental(or alot mental, whatever).
The bottom line is, I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of getting older and nothing is happening to me. I’m tired of being jealous of people having the sort of life that I want to have. I’m tired of just…existing.
I’ve been in therapy several times, the longest stint was from 14-16, after I went into foster care. Other than that, I’ve gone to a few sessions, and dropped out for one excuse or another. Late last year, I almost lost a really good friend(M), because of all my fears/craziness, and it helped me to see that it was time to start fixing me. To stop being afraid.
So, in January, I started therapy again. It’s going really well so far. I’m not going to go into detail what we talk about, but my therapist has really made me question myself, why I think the things I do, and why I feel the way that I feel. She’s also helped me to see that changing my life isn’t going to happen immediately. I’m an impatient person, and I want things to happen now. And when they don’t, I kind of just give up and do nothing. I realize that I can’t live my life that way, so I’m taking baby steps. An example: usually on my days off, I sleep all day long and don’t get anything done. What I’ve been doing is trying to at least leave the house, whether it’s going somewhere with my roommate, getting gas, anything. As long as I get dressed and leave. It’s a small goal, and I’m trying to keep doing it. Another goal I have is to lose weight, which is huge. So far, I’ve stopped drinking soda, which hasn’t been so bad. I’m going to stop drinking tea and coffee soon, which will be not so good.
Honestly, these seem like small steps, but I’m trying to convince myself that they are big steps, because they truly are. I’ve got other things that I want to do, but I realize that I can’t do them all at once. Baby steps. That’s the way to go.
To be honest, the fog is still there. I wake up sometimes and don’t want to get up. I get lonely, and start to freak out when no one will talk to me. But the moments of clarity are happening more often, and I’m glad.
This post was originally supposed to be about therapy, but lately I’ve been posting various passive- aggressive facebook status updates, that I thought it time to air my grievances.
So, In no particular order, why I’m so ticked off:
1. I want to be on GCN radio: I’ve really been mad about this for more than a year, and I really need to get over it. There’s been various GCN members on the radio program, and even a few straight members. Well, just one straight member in particular, and I’m not going to mention their name. A few weeks ago, a straight that is not even a GCN’er was on there, and I was just hurt. I totally get that GCN radio is moving towards a format where they actually talk about important things towards the GLBT community, and I totally support that. But I would like to think that I’ve have something important to say too, and it would be really funny. What’s funny(and so very sad) is that if I were asked to be on the show now, I would want to say no, because I would think that the only reason I was being asked is because of my constant bitching about it. My roommate says the reason that I’m so hurt is that GCN is sooo important to me, and that we’ve grown so much, that I’m not important to GCN. If I were to discount myself, I’d say that GCN is not for me, and I shouldn’t even care. But I’ve decided not to discount my feelings anymore, and even if I sound like I spoiled brat-I don’t care. I think it sucks that I can’t be on GCN radio, and I’m saying something about it.
2. People should not sign onto AIM, Yahoo or any other messenger if they’re only going to be away immediately: I’m going to be a jerk and say it. I see people who log on to various messengers, only to go in to away mode, and stay there for the duration. What’s the point? I always thought that you went on to messenger to talk to people, and it you didn’t, you would LOG OFF, so that people like me wouldn’t send you a million messages and getting on your nerves. If this sounds like you, please know that I still love you to pieces, but I hate what you do when you get on messenger.
3. Being a GCN moderator sucks sometimes: And that’s all I’ll say about it, because various people could read this, and it start some major drama about nothing. I’ll just say that it sucks, and I think we should stop mollycoddling people sometimes.
Those are my main gripes, and I honestly feel alot better for getting them out. If I offended anyone, I’m truly sorry, but I am not sorry for what I’ve said. I’m just not. I’m sick of being annoyed all the time, and not being able to say anything about it, because of fear of offending someone. I will try in the future to be tactful, but if I’m bothered about something, I’m going to talk about it.
So M, my sort of-not really-but I really wish he was but he’s too far away boyfriend has been in the hospital for a few days,and he’s home now. He’s been having lots of pain in his leg,and I guess they wanted to figure out what was going on. I don’t know for sure, because we haven’t talked in forever. I miss him horribly, and have been freaking out since he’s been in the hospital, because I didn’t know what was going on. I obviously couldn’t go to see him; he’s in France,but if I could have, I would have. I only found out he was home because he updated his facebook, and it kind of bothered me, but I’m over it. I just wish I could talk to him, but I fear he might be upset if I actually called him. It’s frustrating. I don’t know what I should do.
So, I’ve not been writing blogs like I promised. I have no excuse really, I’ve just been lazy. I’ve thought of several topics to blog about , such as why I hate philosophy*, why I’m an undecided voter, and smart things like that. When it comes time to put something down, all the funny things that I’ve thought of just goes right out the window, or it’s not as funny when I get it down. Or sometimes, all I really want to talk about is Britney Spears, or whine about how much my life sucks, or how therapy is going, and I think that y’all may not want to hear about these things. I originally started this new blog to try to prove to people that I’m not some dumb, shallow girl who’s only concerned with the latest celebrity gossip and who’s wearing the cutest shoes, when in fact, I am that girl. I also care about what’s going on in the world, enough to say that I think most of it is stupid. And there’s nothing wrong with that. People shouldn’t have blogs to impress certain people, and that’s what I was initially trying to do, but that’s too much pressure, and I honestly don’t want to think that much. I think the people that aren’t impressed with what I’m blogging about don’t need to be reading my blog anyway.
* I do really, really, really hate philosophy. There’s a story behind this opinion, which I will be posting soon.
