Something I said in responding to a thread on GCN:
“Life is short, and there’s too much joy in the world, and you’ll miss it if you’re afraid of the pain that comes every once in awhile.”
So very,very true.
And, I need take my own advice.
I’ve missed out on the joy for far too long.
A conversation between my roommate and I:
Me: Oh look, the GCN conference is going to be in Anaheim, California this year. That’s close to where I grew up, I can go see my grandpa.
Tia, my roommate: How far is your grandpa from there?
Me: About 45 minutes.
Tia: You won’t go.
Me: Why not?
Tia: Because you never do.
Me: That’s not true. I really want to see my grandpa. I haven’t been out in Cali since I was 13.
Tia: Let me ask you a question: When you went to DC in January, didn’t you plan on doing alot of stuff.
Me: Yeah, but I’ve been to DC before, and I’ve seen alot of stuff.
Tia: Your past history has shown that you don’t do the things that you say you’re going to do, so it’s a pretty good chance that you won’t this time.
Me: You don’t know that.
Tia: Um, yeah, I do.
Me: Thanks for being so positive.
Tia: I wasn’t being negative.
Me: Um, yeah, you were. Just because my past is dumb, doesn’t mean that I’m going to do the same dumb things in the future.
Tia: Yeah, maybe, but you don’t really change.
Me: Thanks for the support.
Tia: You’re welcome.
Hmmmph.
Thoughts, anyone?
So awhile ago, fringes over at www.650miles.com(I can’t figure out how to link it, so if anyone can give me advice on how to do that, let a girl know.) tagged me for a MeMe, and I actually typed up a really good one, but I erased it somehow. I was really pissed about it,and have been procrastinating about doing it ever since. Since I promised to do it, here it is:
* List three books you’ve always meant to read, but haven’t got around to them
War and Peace-Leo Tolstoy: I know, it’s rather pretentious, isn’t it? I started this book in the 7th grade, and I read like 2 pages. I want to finish it.
The Historian-Elizabeth Kostova: It’s totally sitting in my closet. Everyone I’ve talked to says that it’s really good.
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings-Maya Angelou: Another book I tried to start along time ago, and never finished. If anyone has a copy, let me know.
* Share the two books that changed your life
Same Sweet Girls-Cassandra King: A chick lit book, and it didn’t really change my life, but it did provide me with this quote that sums up my whole out look on life: “Honey, it will either work out, or it won’t.”
Pride and Predjudice-Jane Austen: My FAVORITE author, and my favorite book. If you’re a romantic or even a cynic, you will love this book. And, I think Elizabeth Bennet is the character that resembles Jane Austen the most. Awesome book.
* Recommend the one book you’ve been talking about since the very first day you read it
I read Gone with the Wind for the first time in the 7th grade. I’ve read it probably a hundred times since then. The story never gets old. Scarlett O’Hara is one the greatest characters in American Literature. I’m sure alot of y’all have seen the movie, but it’s nothing, NOTHING like the book. You should read it.
And there you go. All great books that I think you should read, but in the words of Levar Burton of Reading Rainbow fame: “You don’t have to take my word for it”
I was driving home from a coloring party tonight( a random party where we all sat around and grazed on food and colored each others hair-fun times), and I looked at the car next to me, and there were some girls who were all dressed up for prom, probably on their way to some after-party somewhere. They were singing to some song with the windows rolled down, and looked like they were having a good time.
My first thought was “Fucking Teenagers!”. This is my normal knee-jerk response when I see teenagers these days. Doesn’t that make me old? :) Anyway, it made me think about my own prom experience.
The first and last prom I went to was in May of 1995, in Enid(that’s in Oklahoma). Back then, 9th grade was junior high, and we had this silly graduation ceremony, with Prom right after that. It was probably the most teenage thing I’ve ever done-I got all dressed up in this really pretty blue formal dress, and my foster mom took me to have my hair, makeup, and nails done. At that age, I really wasn’t happy with how I looked, and that night, I felt like a princess. I went with a guy named Phillip McAnally, who was my boyfriend. We danced all night, and he kept trying to kiss me, but my foster dad was one of the chaperones, and it was kind of akward, because he was watching me like a hawk. It was probably one of the best times that I had as a teenager.
Fast forward to my senior year. At Westmoore, Prom was a BIG DEAL. There was lots of talk about who was going together, who wasn’t, and all that crazy crap that was SO IMPORTANT back then. I got kind of caught in the excitement, and actually bought a prom ticket, without acutally thinking about it. After awhile, I started thinking. I didn’t really have alot of friends, as most of the social circles were completely formed when I transferred to Westmoore, and they were hard to break into. So, I didn’t really have anyone to go with, and I didn’t want to go alone. My friend Debra invited me to go with her and her boyfriend, but I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel. I also thought about asking this guy, Will Allen, who I sort of had a crush on(but didn’t truly realize unttil after we graduated, and then it was too late.), but I was terrfied to. He ended up going with his ex girlfriend, who he later married, but I digress. In the end, I decided that I wanted to be a part of things, so I was going to suck it up and go alone. This was about a week before prom, and hadn’t really told anyone I wanted to go until then. I was living in the children’s home at the time, and my house parents couldn’t take me to shop for a dress, and they wouldn’t let me use some of my savings to buy a dress. So, I sat at home that Saturday and cried my eyes out. The next monday, I told all of my friends that I had gone to a friend’s prom instead, like I was too cool to go to my own. What a silly girl I was.
It’s not really bothered me that much that I didn’t go to my Senior Prom. I get sad sometimes, thinking about all of the teenage stuff I missed out on, because I was too wrapped up in myself and being depressed and all of that. But, I suppose that it all happens for a reason,right?
I hope so.
Anyway, did you go to your senior Prom? My comments or open if you want to tell me a story about it. Or, if you didn’t go, if it’s bothered you or not.
I’m sorry I’m not updating much. I feel that I should write something everyday, but when I log in to write a post, I realize that I have nothing to say. A few hours go by, and then I think of something interesting to write about, but I don’t have time to sit and write it down, and I lose it. It’s really frustrating, and I really need to break down and buy a notebook to keep with me, to jot things down. The thing is, I can barely keep up with my keys and my cellphone, how in the hell can I be expected to keep up with a notebook?
Anyway, I’m doing okay. Most of you know that I got a new job for a company called The Hartford. It’s great pay, and closer to home, and it was just …time to move on, you know? Since I’m not dumb enough to talk about my job online, I can’t tell you more. It’s not been bad, but I think I went as far as I could go here.
Therapy is going well, for the most part. That’s all I’ll say about that.
I’ve decided that I’m going to school in the fall, come hell or high water. I’ve gotten my transcripts together(which seemed like it took a lifetime to do), and I’ve sent off my application. So, we’ll see. I have no idea what I want to do, but I need to be doing something.
The weight loss thing is going..badly. I’ve been without caffiene for like 3 weeks now, and it’s getting rough. I want a Dr. Pepper sooo badly, but I’m resisting. I’ve been walking some, but not as much as I probably should. The gym at my apartment complex is opening up this week, so my roommate and I are going to work out every morning. I know some of y’all are laughing, because this is ME we’re talking about. Seriously though, I’m gonna get up and do it. I have to lose weight. I can’t say anything more than that.
There is something else I’d like to talk about, but I can’t just yet. It’s something that a particular person doesn’t need to know about, and they happen to read this blog, and I’m not ready to have them know about it..yet. If you’re just dying of curiosity, send me a note, and I’ll tell you.
So, there’s an update on my life. If anyone has got any ideas about how I can store cool things I think of, so that I can write a post about it, let me know.
So, I’ve not been writing blogs like I promised. I have no excuse really, I’ve just been lazy. I’ve thought of several topics to blog about , such as why I hate philosophy*, why I’m an undecided voter, and smart things like that. When it comes time to put something down, all the funny things that I’ve thought of just goes right out the window, or it’s not as funny when I get it down. Or sometimes, all I really want to talk about is Britney Spears, or whine about how much my life sucks, or how therapy is going, and I think that y’all may not want to hear about these things. I originally started this new blog to try to prove to people that I’m not some dumb, shallow girl who’s only concerned with the latest celebrity gossip and who’s wearing the cutest shoes, when in fact, I am that girl. I also care about what’s going on in the world, enough to say that I think most of it is stupid. And there’s nothing wrong with that. People shouldn’t have blogs to impress certain people, and that’s what I was initially trying to do, but that’s too much pressure, and I honestly don’t want to think that much. I think the people that aren’t impressed with what I’m blogging about don’t need to be reading my blog anyway.
* I do really, really, really hate philosophy. There’s a story behind this opinion, which I will be posting soon.
This is not going to be a post about me complaining about being single. Yes, I haven’t had a real boyfriend in nearly 8 years, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to have one soon, and it sucks ass, but that’s not why I’m writing.
There was a thread on GCN awhile back about being single, and whether some people are meant to be single forever. There were lots of posts about people slowly becoming okay with it, that God has somehow called them to be single. I didn’t respond to the thread, but I had a hard time reading it. I mean, isn’t there supposed to be someone for everyone? All my life, I’ve always heard about “the one”; the one that completes you, that you’re supposed to be with forever. I’ve also heard, “there’s someone for everyone out there”. If that’s true, then why are they’re so many people, gay and straight, that haven’t found that person? How long does it take?
There are lot of people my age and younger that have figured that out,find that “one”. I’ve been already invited to 2 weddings this year, and I know tons of people who are having babies. Every time I go to a wedding, or visit someone who’s just had a baby, I’m starting to be asked the question, “So, Nikki, when are you going to get married/have a baby?”. And I don’t have a response.
I know I’m rambling alot, but I’m starting to worry that I’m going to be one of those people that doesn’t have a “one and only”, that God is intending me to be single. And right now, that is not okay with me. In the back of my mind, I’ve had this internal timeframe, that I’d be married by 23, and having my first kid at 25 or 26, and be done with kids by 31 or 32. I’ve often wondered how I came upon that particular time frame, and I guess you could chalk it up to society. Even in this day and age, you’re still looked down upon if you’re not married, and don’t have kids. So,girls my age are rushing around, trying to find a husband, so they can have kids, and by doing so, that makes you okay. But does it? Do I really need to get married and procreate to be happy? If you asked me this a year ago, I would have said yes. Now, I don’t know. I’ve met so many people on GCN, and they don’t have the one, and they’re truly happy, because they feel that it’s what God wanted for them. I wonder how I can get that happiness.
Most of you know about M, and that whole situation. I used to think that he was the one. And I kind of still do. Or at least, I hope he’s the one, because the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is terrifying, and I’m not at the point where I can be okay with that. I still have hope that Olaf is out there, but if he’s not, I hope that I can be like some of my friends, and learn to be happy, to accept what God has for me. And to stop listening to cheesy love songs, which sparked this little ditty.
Rejection is a nasty beast. And I’ve been thinking about it alot here lately, especially after my latest bout with it. I won’t go into all the nasty details; it’s just me trying to force “instant intimacy” on a guy, and naturally being rebuffed. It happened while I was at work, and I immediately started to freak out, what I like to call a shame attack. I started to talking to Paul, who is my go to guy during my attacks, and start whining about how sick I was of being rejected, questioning what was wrong with me, and vowing to off myself* or joining a nunnery if I didn’t get a guy soon. Paul listened politely, and then asked me a question: “What are you really afraid of Nikki, being rejected, or being accepted?”.
I had opened my mouth(or in this case started typing) a response, until I read the question again.
Whoa. I’d never really thought about it before. Paul told me that his therapist once told him that he really wasn’t afraid of rejection, that he was so used to it, that it was so safe, that being accepted would throw him off. Paul wondered if that was the same for me.
Honestly? I don’t know. If some guy were to come up to me right now and ask me out, I would lift up my eyes to the heavens and praise God. After that brief moment of praise, I would start thinking: Why is this guy asking me out? Why does he like me? I ‘ve got nothing to offer. Does he just want to sleep with me? Is this a joke?. Really, it’s almost like it’s safer living in rejection-land. Like I’m protecting myself. I know some of y’all are rolling your eyes at the obvious-ness of it all, but give me a break. I’m not sure how to answer Paul, but when I know, I’ll update this. I will say though, thinking about this has stopped the pain of the rejection, just a little.
* Note to everyone: Please don’t take my threats of suicide seriously. I honestly only do it when I’m frustrated, as I’m way too self-centered to really do this. I shall make an attempt to not do this in the future. Many, Many apolgies to my facebook peeps, especially Jenn.
I’ve been really wanting to do a new blog lately. Not something on myspace, livejournal, but something serious. Quite a few people have told me about wordpress, so here I’m not sure what my purpose is for starting another blog, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Until then, happy reading!
