The one about being single. January 17, 2008

This is not going to be a post about me complaining about being single.  Yes, I haven’t had a real boyfriend in nearly 8 years, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to have one soon, and it sucks ass, but that’s not why I’m writing.

There was a thread on GCN awhile back about being single, and whether some people are meant to be single forever.  There were lots of posts about people slowly becoming okay with it, that God has somehow called them to be single. I didn’t respond to the thread, but I had a hard time reading it. I mean, isn’t there supposed to be someone for everyone? All my life, I’ve always heard about “the one”; the one that completes you, that you’re supposed to be with forever.  I’ve also heard, “there’s someone for everyone out there”. If that’s true, then why are they’re so many people, gay and straight, that haven’t found that person? How long does it take?

 There are lot of people my age and younger that have figured that out,find that “one”.  I’ve been already invited to 2 weddings this year, and I know tons of people who are having babies. Every time I go to a wedding, or visit someone who’s just had a baby, I’m starting to be asked the question, “So, Nikki, when are you going to get married/have a baby?”. And I don’t have a response. 

 I know I’m rambling alot, but I’m starting to worry that I’m going to be one of those people that doesn’t have a “one and only”, that God is intending me to be single.  And right now, that is not okay with me.  In the back of my mind, I’ve had this internal timeframe, that I’d be married by 23, and having my first kid at 25 or 26, and be done with kids by 31 or 32.  I’ve often wondered how I came upon that particular time frame, and I guess you could chalk it up  to society. Even in this day and age, you’re still looked down upon if you’re not married, and don’t have kids.  So,girls my age are rushing around, trying to find a husband, so they can have kids, and by doing so, that makes you okay.  But does it?  Do I really need to get married and procreate to be happy?  If you asked me this a year ago, I would have said yes. Now, I don’t know. I’ve met so many people on GCN, and they don’t have the one, and they’re truly happy, because they feel that it’s what God wanted for them.  I wonder how I can get that happiness.

 Most of you know about M, and that whole situation. I used to think that he was the one. And I kind of still do. Or at least, I hope he’s the one, because the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is terrifying, and I’m not at the point where I can be okay with that.  I still have hope that Olaf is out there, but if he’s not, I hope that I can be like some of my friends, and learn to be happy, to accept what God has for me.  And to stop listening to cheesy love songs, which sparked this little ditty.

The One about Rejection, Part I December 21, 2007

Rejection is a nasty beast. And I’ve been thinking about it alot here lately, especially after my latest bout with it. I won’t go into all the nasty details; it’s just me trying to force “instant intimacy” on a guy, and naturally being rebuffed. It happened while I was at work, and I immediately started to freak out, what I like to call a shame attack. I started to talking to Paul, who is my go to guy during my attacks, and start whining about  how sick I was of being rejected, questioning what was wrong with me, and vowing to off myself* or joining a nunnery if I didn’t get a guy soon. Paul listened politely, and then asked me a question: “What are you really afraid of Nikki, being rejected, or being accepted?”.

 I had opened my mouth(or in this case started typing) a response, until I read the question again.

 Whoa. I’d never really thought about it before.  Paul told me that his therapist once told him that he really wasn’t afraid of rejection, that he was so used to it, that it was so safe, that being accepted would throw him off.  Paul wondered if that was the same for me.

Honestly?  I don’t know. If some guy were to come up to me right now and ask me out, I would lift up my eyes to the heavens and praise God. After that brief moment of praise, I would start thinking: Why is this guy asking me out? Why does he like me? I ‘ve got nothing to offer. Does he just want to sleep with me? Is this a joke?.  Really, it’s almost like it’s safer living in rejection-land. Like I’m protecting myself. I know some of y’all are rolling your eyes at the obvious-ness of it all, but give me a break. I’m not sure how to answer Paul, but when I know, I’ll update this.  I will say though, thinking about this has stopped the pain of the rejection, just a little.

* Note to everyone: Please don’t take my threats of suicide seriously. I honestly only do it when I’m frustrated, as I’m way too self-centered to really do this. I shall make an attempt to not do this in the future. Many, Many apolgies to my facebook peeps, especially Jenn.

The one where she waits for inspiration December 4, 2007

So, I’ve been wanting to write a post, but I’ve not been feeling very inspired lately. Work is work, and my roommate is a first class bitch. I won’t go into the latest thing, but it just furthers my resolve to get the hell out of there.

In other news:

*Missouri  must be pretty pissed this week, because they got robbed of a BCS bowl. It’s going to be killer when OU plays them again.

 *The British teacher that got arrested in Sudan is back in the UK , and I’m glad for her. Turns out that a disgruntled employee was the one to rat her out. In the ghetto world, they call this “hating”.

 *Have y’all heard about the girl who killed herself because of some messages sent to her on MySpace? This 13 year old girl was talking to someone that she thought was a guy called Josh, when in fact it was a group of girls that signed up a fake account. They were telling this girl that she was mean to her friends, and all sorts of things, and then she ends up hanging herself. Poor kid.  Teenager are vicious creatures these days. I blame it on the parents. I hope those kids are feeling pretty shitty, but  I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t.

* Are pregnant stars required to pose on a magazine cover? The latest? Christina Aguliera on the cover Marie Claire. I’m super glad that you’ve created life, but I don’t really want to see it.

*The latest movie to be boycotted: The Golden Compass. Granted, the series of books that it’s based on was written by an atheist, but the plot is watered down so much, that I’m sure it’s not too much like the books. It’s almost like that people think that they’re going to be some hidden subliminal message hidden in the movie that only kids can see, and they’re gonna go all Demon-like and start killing kittens or something.  Come on y’all; if y’all spent more time loving people and spreading the word of God, instead of protesting things that you know nothing about, the world would be a better place.

In fact, I’m sure it would be.

PS- A funny thing I read on GCN last week, in a thread about sex before marriage: ” If oral sex doesn’t feel like sex to you, someone somewhere isn’t doing something right”. Mark, you’re hysterical. I’m totally getting this on a t-shirt.

The one where I begin anew…maybe.. November 27, 2007

I’ve been really wanting to do a new blog lately. Not something on myspace, livejournal, but something serious. Quite a few people have told me about wordpress, so here  I’m not sure what my purpose is for starting another blog, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Until then, happy reading!